You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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