he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
