i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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