my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
