Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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