when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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