i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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