Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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