Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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