She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
