hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I'm really busy with my period
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