The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
