I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I would fuck him just for his dog
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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