I showed him my bush... on skype.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
