I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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