I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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