The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
