Even the bartender felt bad for me
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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