I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
