I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
