shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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