I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
