You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
