i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
