I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
