In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
