I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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