Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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