I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
