I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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