The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
