what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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