I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
