I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize