Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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