Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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