My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
