i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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