My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
