I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
