I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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