she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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