I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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