How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
