I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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