So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
