1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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