some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize