mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
