a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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