paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
