miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
