I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize