whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
