my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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