What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
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It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
