My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
