i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
