I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
