just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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