matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize