Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
