It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
