Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
